And then..

Minutes after my last post, I got a phone call. It was the hepatology PA I'd seen in NOLA Monday. She ran blood work, and I also had an ultrasound of my liver Thursday.

I will be having a liver biopsy. Not because anything looked bad on the ultrasound, but because of other test results. It was determined I have genotype 1 which is the most resistant to treatment. The biopsy will tell us if there is damage and if so what "stage" it is, and therefore give us a better idea of whether or not to go ahead with treatment.

So right now I am praying for no liver damage. But my gut tells me that I'm going to get my miracle "the long way around", meaning successful treatment. In my heart, there is NO fear. But in my flesh, there is panic. I dont want to go through this. Who would? Since my will and God's will are seldom the same, I'm just moving forward in faith. Yesterday, I was afraid. Today looks better. I'm sure I'll have some anxiety everytime we approach appointments, but that's just nervous anticipation. In my heart of hearts, my deepest soul, I know I will be fine. It's the unknown parts of the journey that have me a little shaken.

Forgiveness

So, baggage. I don't know about you, but I recently found out I was carrying much more baggage than I thought I was. It's time to put it down.

I have memories of specific incidents that were still causing me pain. The ones I was having the most trouble with were times when I know the hurt was not intended. And somehow I had myself convinced that since there was no ill-intent, there was nothing to forgive. I went as far as believing that if I "forgave" them, I was saying what they did was wrong, and they just didn't mean it. It finally clicked that since forgiveness is for my healing, their intention didn't really matter. I still have to forgive and let go to be healed.

One small example I recall: I was about 8 years old. My parents and I were downtown and walking toward the City Hall building. I asked why we were there and my dad turned around and snapped "To put you up for adoption." He didn't intend to crush me, but he did. He "just" wanted me to shut up (that's another post). And I knew he wasn't serious, but it hurt to the core none-the-less. Thirty-six years later, I still remember it in great detail. And I have to forgive this and other incidents if I want to go forward. I have to forgive every time it comes to my mind.

There are some incidents where harm was intentional, but those do not involve my parents. The perpetrators are no longer in my life, but they still invade my spirit. When they do, I rehash the incidents and I stand up for myself. That sounds like it would be healthy and helpful, but it really isn't. I'm still giving energy to the hurt, and sometimes I actually get more angry and hurt by reliving things that all happened over 20 years ago. I have to forgive each person each time it comes up.

Then comes forgiving myself. Believe it or not, I have to forgive myself for the times I was hurt by others - because all along I believed I was in some way responsible for allowing them to hurt me.

Then there was the biggie. The one thing I regret with all of my heart. If I could go back and have just one do-over... I can't even think about it without crying. I regret that when my son was born I was not strong enough to demand he not be circumcised. (And please, if you circ'ed your sons and have no problem with your decision, don't condemn me for my feelings) I didn't want to do it, but I allowed those around me to convince me it was okay. Yes, he's "okay" now, he even knows he's circumcised, but there's no way of knowing what altering his body on his second day of life changed about him. It's his body and the choice should have been his. And he had complications too. Out of respect for his privacy I won't go into it, but when it happened the doctors and nurses all said it was not uncommon and it was a result of being circumcised as though we should have known.

I'm part of a women's group at church and we've been focusing on forgiveness the past 2 weeks. I've learned more and let go of more in this time than at any other point of my life. I am being Healed and it feels really great!

February?

How did the month of January go by so quickly? I still have Christmas lights hanging outside, and the decorations are still waiting to go in the attic. We've had unseasonably warm days and ridiculously cold days. Today is too cold for me. Our little house just can't warm up.

The boy continues to grow at a ridiculous rate. He will pass me up soon. My shoes are too small for him! He had a bad round of the flu. Not that any flu is good, he was just very sick for several days. So was his dad. I take many more supplements than they are willing to take so I was only sick for 3 days and considered it a bad cold. But they were both much sicker than I. They are taking their D3 vitamins now! Poor Greg still can't hear from fluid in his ears - he ended up at the doctor's office with an infection.

Speaking of supplements, I started going to the chiropractor in December. Well, to go back a bit further I had been in pain all over for several months. Joint pain, bone pain, headaches, and uveitis. In August my eye doctor recommended I see a rheumatologist. I pretty much blew that off because of the cost. Then Greg had a kidney stone in September for which he had to have lithotripsy, so our deductible was met. I had uveitis flares in October and November so I made an appointment w/the rheumatologist - in mid-December. By Thanksgiving I was just miserable with pain. Getting out of bed was painful. Rolling over in bed was painful. It took a long time each day for me to be able to move around from the stiffness. I was ready for medication. Nothing I was doing was helping.

I figured it wouldn't hurt anything, so I finally called for a chiropractic appointment. I got in that day and saw him 4 times that first week. He sees the supplements I'm taking and asks about how much fish oil I was taking. At the time, I was taking 2 capsules a day, if I remembered. He said to start taking much more - like 8 or 10 a day, for inflammation. That was cheap and safe enough to try, so I began taking 3 capsules 3 times a day. Within 2 weeks of supplements and adjustments I was 80% - 90% better. I did a little research and found that ginger is also good for treating inflammation so I began taking that 3 caps/3x daily as well.

Two months into it, I have no joint pain and very very little pain in my right leg (this was excruciating for a long while). I'm now seeing the chiropractor every 2 weeks and still pain free. If I feel a twinge of pain coming on, I take more fish oil instead of a pain reliever. I had a uveitis flare for about a week in January, but it didn't last as long or hurt as constantly as in the past. Oh, and I've lost 10 pounds too. Yes, I am moving a bit more because of the lack of pain and maybe I'm not snacking so much (since I know that processed foods make inflammation worse), but I've not done enough of either to explain 10 pounds. I wonder if the inflammation in my body was actually adding weight, or if perhaps the fish oils are changing my metabolism. I'm not finding any info referring to either. I'm not really concerned about the cause, just curious. :)

As for the rheumatologist, I have a follow-up apointment in March, 12 weeks after the initial appointment. I had 7 vials of blood drawn and over a dozen x-rays that day and I've not been contacted about any results. That leaves me to believe that this doctor thinks 12 weeks is an acceptable waiting time for test results. Not my idea of a good doctor, not even a decent one. So I'll be contacting his nurse to get my lab results and cancelling my follow-up. I think God planned for me to see both doctors while I financially was able. I've seen the difference in how I am treated and know I do not need the drugs I was originally going to the rheumatologist to get.

Mini Me

I have always enjoyed watching for Greg's personality traits in our son. He is most definitely his father's son. As I spend my days with him, I sometimes see my father, Greg's brother, even my father-in-law in him. But I've recently begun to see and allow myself to appreciate the me in him. He loves music (well, he gets that from us both). He's endlessly creative.

He's constantly rearranging his bedroom (a passion of mine). He wants an apartment in the garage (yes this is the same child who shared our bed until he was 9). He's settled for setting up his closet as a bedroom, thus leaving the rest of his room as his apartment. "Now, I come out of my 'room' and there's still another door before I get to you." I remember trying to make a clubhouse out of my closet. I remember all of the arranging ideas that I knew better than to try.

Thank you God for my memories. For the memories of what I wanted to do, and the memories of the feeling of not being allowed to try much. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this incredible child's life. It really is an honor, and I don't want to ever forget that, not even momentarily.

It worked!

Monday night @ midnight, Fallout: New Vegas was released (video game), and the night owls that we are were there to pick up the game. Gregory had a friend over, and Tuesday afternoon Hubby told him he needed to at least make an offer for the friend to play (bless his heart, he's used to having to wait for his turn & never even asked to play). Next thing I know, Landon (friend) is playing and Gregory is pouting and exuding negative energy. I assumed it was because he felt he had to hand the game over. I called him over to me to talk about it.

He sat down, face parallel to the floor, and I asked what the problem was. He just shook his head no and didn't speak. I didn't relent. He (& his dad) know by now that when I ask, "what's wrong?" I don't let it go. After a minute or so, with a cracking voice he says he's so stupid. I wasn't expecting that. I asked why he felt that way and he said he'd been playing for 2 hours without saving, and his character got killed, so he lost everything he'd done in that 2 hours. His broken heart was so heavy.

I picked up his chin with my hand and stared him in the eye. I told him he's not stupid and he responded "yes I am", several times. I started telling him he's not stupid, he made a mistake. That when I forget to buy tea bags (a hot commodity in the house) it didn't make me stupid. Told him I wouldn't allow someone else to be so mean to him, and I wasn't going to let him do it either. Looking him straight in the eye, I told him how smart, how capable, how lovable he is. Then I told him, "You are a smart, good person. Say it." He mumbled it quickly. "Again!" I said. He repeated. "Again!" "I'm a smart, good person." "Again!"...

After a couple of minutes, he was grinning while saying it, and then giggling. "Again!" With a smile on his face he says, "You know this is torture, right?" "Yep! Again!" We ended up laughing so hard our sides hurt. And most importantly, he was no longer believing the lies his "self" was telling him.

Thank you God for allowing me to be in and stay in the moment with him, and for the ability to help him out of a pit. Allow me to remember this lesson (what I thought he was upset about vs. the real reason) and the honor of watching him grow through it.

Down to the bottom

Chorus:
We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares

Cause we've been down to the bottom
Stories we've got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I really love this song. Too often, people are literally chased away from God and a relationship with him by *Christians* who judge them, tell them they are going to hell, tell them they are unlovable, they've gone too far, done too much, blah, blah, blah.

LIES!!!!! I remember a point in my life where I thought that one day I'd clean up my mess of a life and then I'd return to God. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day that if I could fix the mess of a life I was living, I wouldn't need God. Jesus didn't come for the *holy*. He didn't hang out with the high priests and holy leaders. He hung out with those whom the *religious* had turned away. He hung out with liars and thieves, the poor and infirmed. He hung out with women others looked down upon. And he didn't condemn them. He just loved them. He still does. And the one command He left us with is to Love. And not to love those who love us, but to love our enemies. To me that means never judging the actions of another person. I do not know their heart. I sure would hate to be labeled by what I do on a bad day. And yes, Christians have bad days! We even make bad choices sometimes. But we can always go back, we can never stray too far for God to reach us. He's bigger than that.

Do we get a *free pass* for doing wrong because of the forgiveness freely offered by God? Of course not. I don't do *the right thing* because I think I'm better or because I think it'll get me extra Christian points. My heart has been changed, and I'm led to do better things. It feels good. My heart is at peace. It gives me joy to help someone else.

This is where Christianity and unschooling meet for me. I believe Jesus was a radical unschooler. He would pick a place along the way to wherever He was headed and tell stories. He'd take the oportunity to point out new ideas, new ways to think about what we believe. He challenges us to really look at what we believe and why, to examine and expand our comfort zones. He never said, "You have to know this to get into heaven," followed by a list of rules. He infact despised those who followed the letter of the Law and considered themselves *holy* for it. It isn't what we do that gets us to Heaven, it's what He did. It's not because of who we are, but because of who He is. I believe it is far more important for me to teach my son to love, to be compassionate, to be giving, to admit mistakes, and to love God than it is to teach him algebra. When (& if) he needs/wants to know algebra, he'll learn it. And he'll master it quickly becasue he wants to learn it. Teaching life skills requires modeling, so I'm constantly questioning my own actions - "is this what I want to teach my son?". It amazes me how much I learn from my child.

As usual, I've rambled. Just wanted to share a song with ya!

A Christmas favorite

Giving Thanks

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday, but this has been a season of thanks. When, from the outside, it might appear we are in a bad spot, time after time we have been blessed throughout this whole ordeal. An employer who has been very understanding and generous about Greg missing work. Soap sales that seem to come out of nowhere. And most especially when and where we least expect it, blessings are placed in our hands. Just when I think we've gotten all we will, God says, "Watch this..."

As for yesterday, it was great. All of Greg's immediate family were here. My SIL & I put together a great meal and everyone went home with much leftovers. Miss Stella was quite a joy. She's a very happy child who knows how much she's loved. It was a great day, and we all konked out a bit early. I'll admit it was nice not to have to drive anywhere!

It's been a while...

So much has been going on, and yet life feels like we're on hold all at once.



Greg has a herniated back disk. He's had back problems for as long as I've known him, but nothing like this. The tree that fell and put a hole in our roof and big dents in my car also damaged Greg’s back. It happened moving the heavy wet trunk to the street. After a week he went to the doctor, then back again 2 or 3 times over the next 2 weeks. Then a MRI - herniated disk. He's had one steroid injection, and will probably have another, but he's not really getting any relief. He's just getting better at tolerating it. He's ready for surgery. He's ready to begin healing and put this behind him. Surgery will only treat the problem temporarily - it's time to start really exercising that back!

So for the past 6 weeks or so, we've been dealing with doctor appointments, missing work, a teeny tiny paycheck, and prayers and blessings from people all around us. We'll be just fine. I may have a panic attack or two as I open the bills that are coming, but we'll still be fine.

Then about 2 weeks ago, I found out my cousin Brandy had a lump on her forehead. Four years ago we lost a 34 yr. old cousin to breast cancer. So when this didn't go away right away, Brandy became the squeaky wheel she needed to be to get her self to the right doctors. Nearly 2 weeks ago, she had surgery and a very large, aggressive tumor was removed. It was a long and invasive surgery. The surgery was considered very successful, and she actually went home 4 days later. But when she returned at the one-week point to have the packing removed from her nose, they found she's been having brain fluid leakage. So she's been back in the hospital, flat on her back and will be until it stops. I'd imagine at some point if it doesn't stop on it's own, surgery would be an option.

I went to see her today, and she looks great. She lives about an hour and a half away, but is in hospital near me. I couldn't believe how good she looked. No swelling, no bruising, no shaved head. Her surgeon told her he's a fan of hair and her incision was just past her hairline and really can't be seen. But she's miserable. She's a go go go girl and lying on her back in one room for several days is not her cup of tea. Tuesday will be the 2-week mark, so pathology reports should be coming in soon. There is a slight possibility the tumor was not malignant, but it's pretty much assumed that it was. Nailing down just what they're dealing with is a big deal to determine where to go from here. I know she wants to just get this all behind her and get back to living. I met her 2-year-old son today. He is adorable! Of course I've seen many many pictures, but hearing that cute little Cajun accent was priceless.

And then there's me. For the first time in several months, I'm having a uveitis flare, and it's in both eyes. Dealing with this is such a pain. The flare itself is very painful, and the drops I use to treat the outbreak and the pain blur close-up vision. Everything past my arm's length is perfectly clear; anything closer is a total blur w/out my reading glasses. And I have no depth perception, so driving at night is out of the question. It'll take a few weeks to treat this and then get my vision back to normal. Ha! Normal. What a concept!

I did have the pleasure and blessing of being able to watch much of the webcast of my church's women's conference this weekend. I really enjoy listening to Christine Caine, and she always draws a great crowd. Her passion becomes my passion. It's contagious.

And it's not a coincidence that she spoke last night of not giving up in the waiting, of not quitting because it's not happening in your time frame. In ways, it feels like life stopped here Sept 1st, and yet at the same time, so much has happened since then.

Summing up 11 days...

While we were down, I'd think of things and think, "I should write this down." I didn't. So this is what I remember, how I remember it.

We came home Monday night (09/01) to a rough neighborhood, tree wise. Three of the 4 streets making up our block had trees down across them. The first real damage we saw was a big tree on the little Church of Christ building around the corner. There were trees and large limbs down all over, but none seemed to have damaged homes.

We'd left Greg's office to get our refrigerator on the generator. We have a gas stove, run the fridge on the generator, add a fan, lamp, TV, and DVD player - we'd be okay. Except Greg couldn't get the generator to start. And he tried until he was so angry he couldn't stop trying, IYKWIM. But he gave up and just went to sleep. Not such a happy birthday for him. Gregory asked to take some Melatonin early, so he was out fairly soon as well. I poured myself a glass of wine and sat on the porch with my flashlight and Pic mosquito repellant coil. I could see some light in the sky. It was still very cloudy, so any light would have reflected, but that light was coming from somewhere in our town.

I woke up Tuesday morning to the sound of the generator running. Greg had taken it apart and cleaned and reassembled it. So now we had cold food, and TV, our first distraction. No cable, so it was DVD fest. When we have bad storms go through, several radio stations across the state become one and broadcast aftermath information. Basically, people call with questions, they ask on-air, and they pass along information they receive. Things like "does anyone know of a Laundromat open in XYZ area?" or "Are they letting people into XYZ area yet?" "Where do we go for supplies?" Through the radio, we learned that Baton Rouge was in rough shape with over 90% out of power.

What sucks is that we also lose cell phone reception. I had forgotten that after Katrina we were very popular - we had a real old-fashioned attached-to-the-wall fully corded landline phone. Thankfully I'd given that number to Stephanie, and when I stopped answering her text messages Monday evening, she called. She sounded exactly as I imagined she would, and it was though we spoke everyday.

It rained (but not stormed) for most of Tuesday and Wednesday, and that thankfully kept things relatively cool. We were comfortable sleeping with just a fan, and even reached for the cover a time or two. I think by Thursday we'd heard that our area was expected to be back on by Tuesday (09/09). Not great news, but better than not knowing at all. Having a day to look to really helped Gregory. He was so patient and so helpful through it all. Oh, he had moments of "I miss the computer", "I miss cable", but we all had those.

Wednesday morning, our big, loveable cat Andy went out with the others in the morning. He didn't go out much, and he usually stayed on the porch and came back in within an hour or so. But we haven't seen him since. I searched for him all day Thursday, looking through piles if debris and in ditch culverts. I dreamed I found him wet and battered in a debris pile. I finally told Gregory Saturday or Sunday. I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell him. But I knew he both could and would want to pray about it, so I did. I just said I hadn't seen him since Wednesday. Gregory had a dream about finding him too, similar to mine. We searched the neighborhood again, but no luck.

I think Thursday cell reception got a bit better, and we were able to send texts sometimes. I had my friend Brandie and her kids (Baby Alena was just 3 weeks old) on my mind and heart. I knew they had no power AND no generator. And the way her apartment is built, there's no getting a breeze in that place even with every window open. She had sent me a text message on Tuesday morning that I got Thursday evening. It said she was out of formula and need a ride to auto zone, her van wouldn't start. I had no car to get to her during daylight. Greg was back at work as well, and didn't want to leave the generator unattended. They were getting stolen. And by the time he got home from work, it was curfew (6am - 6pm). I couldn't get to her (about 8 miles away) and I couldn't get her to any open stores. But when I finally did get in touch with her, she let me know that people had been stopping by to check on them and she'd go sit in their cars with the baby & the A/C for a while. She'd been able to get to the store. I had prayed for others to help her, and they did. Yea! Then she called me Friday night and said, "Listen to this..." and I hear the Hannah Montana theme song. They had power! I was so happy for her.

So Saturday I took a big batch of laundry to her house and Gregory got to play video games with her boys. We spent the day with electricity. Then we went back home to a dark neighborhood to fix dinner by lamplight... By then, it was getting hot. Really hot! And humid! I'd finish cooking with sweat dripping off me and go straight to a cold shower. We did a lot of showering!

By Sunday people were asking if we'd seen Ike. We'd heard about him via radio, but still had no cable, so no "seeing" the storm. And we weren't ready to think about that yet anyway. LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU...

Staple groceries became very had to find. We had a freezer full of meat, so I could cook, but that made the house so friggin' HOT! I hadn't gotten any sandwich meat pre-storm because we wouldn't need it. Boy did I regret that decision! Stores that were open had big signs out front of what they didn't have - most included milk, bread, and meat. That gradually got better and by Monday night, we were eating sandwiches. :)

Monday afternoon, one of Greg's friends from work brought us his generator, 3 times the wattage of ours (it's the size we need - we got gouged for ours after Katrina, and it's really too small for more than a couple of days use) so we now had an A/C unit running (glad we still have window units!) and washer/dryer hooked up. And Gregory could hook up his PS2. Video games at last! I believe it was Monday that the cable came back up as well.

Tuesday came and went. No one in our immediate neighborhood had power. The main drag and the stores on it were up, but not home. The power company outage reporting number was still a recording promising no time frame. Late Wednesday evening (after dark) someone knocked on our door. It was our neighbor Mike from across the street. Seems that his neighbors to the left and to the right had power, be he didn't. We didn't either. There are 6 houses on our street, 3 had power, and 3 did not. Thursday afternoon we saw work trucks. COOOOOOOL! Closest we've been to power in 11 days. But our next door neighbor (a renter) still had a big limb on his house that was pulling the lines down. The power company had repeatedly told people they were not going to cut limbs on private property. The homeowner was responsible "for making sure you are ready to receive power." Well, with that limb there, he was not ready to receive power, which seemed to be why WE (& Mike) still didn't have power. Mike and I joked that we'd tell the guys to cut the neighbor off at the street and hook us up! The owner of the house was leaving the limb there because people were telling him the elec. co. would take care of it since it was on the line, but that was not so. So the power guys talked with the guy living next door and he went off and came back with a ladder and a reciprocating saw. He got on the ladder and cut back the pieces hanging and got it close to the line. Then the power co. guy got on the ladder with his chainsaw and trimmed back just 8 or so inches of the limb that was on the power line, leaving the rest on the roof. There were 3 trucks parked out front, and several hard-hatted guys walking the street. I was sitting at my desk where I can watch without being seen when the ceiling fan began to turn. Oh, I'm tearing up typing this. It's just such an overwhelming thing, when you've been without for so long to know that it all works now. I opened my front door and wanted to run out and hug each and every one of those guys. Instead I called out a "THANK YOU!" in my crackling voice. A HUGE "You're welcome!" came back. I sat on the porch and cried as my boy ran around the house yelling, "Power's on! Power's on!" Stephanie had just texted me to see if we were back up yet, so I let her know when we were.

I had promised Gregory he could use the computer first. I wasn't ready to face the email or answer the well-meant questions yet. It took a few days for me to get back into it. And besides, everyone was talking about Ike, and my groups include people in Texas who were going to get what we'd just gotten.

That is if we didn't get it - for quite a while, it was iffy. That sucked. It gave me that feeling of having an egg beater put to my brain. Who's ready to go through that again so soon? At least we had a month between Katrina and Rita. We got more rain, a few more broken limbs fell from the trees, and we lost power again for a few hours, but we were otherwise unaffected. But many people near us in lower lying places got flooding from Ike that came right on the heels of Gustav. There was no time for the water to go down.

Unaffected. That word is so dismissive. We didn't get the brunt of the storm. But how could we not be affected? Shell-shocked and barely back in the light, here we go again, maybe. Maybe not, but be ready! So back we all go to the insane stores that aren't restocked yet, and are only open ‘til 6 PM. We were affected. Trust me.

By the Saturday following the storm, Greg had done enough roof repairing and tree cutting and debris hauling to really hurt his already bad back. He went to the doctor Monday and Wednesday for it. They give him pain pills and muscle relaxers. He gets no real relief from either. He's only not in pain if he's lying flat on his back. He's a believer of chiropractic care, but he's not found one who can really get the deep low back area which is the worst of his pains, so he's somewhat given up on that approach. He said the word "surgery" a while back, so I know it's getting worse. It's taking longer and longer for him to heal when he gets hurt. He is still in a lot of pain today and still using a back brace. But still he gets up, after not really sleeping, and goes off to work leaving me and the boy to sleep. I let him know how thankful we are for that sacrifice, but probably not enough. I remember when I was the one working full time and he was a student with later classes. I resented the hell out of having to get up and go to a miserable job while he lay sleeping.

So that's how we get to today. It's a nice one, only 70 degrees out, no tropical cyclone activity in the Atlantic, gorgeous blue sky. I look out my window and see squirrels chasing each other around my live oak tree, and 4 or 5 black birds coming and going at the birdbath.

Today I am thankful for
***My incredible husband
***My electricity, which allows me to connect with you
***My beautiful still-sleeping son
***The incredible view of nature outside my window
***And most importantly, for my God who met each of our needs through all of our turmoil, kept us calm, and is returning us to *normality*.

We've changed, I've changed. You can't go through something like that and not be. I'm not trying to make it more than it was, we were always safe and were really only inconvenienced. But we have new memories and experiences, and that has made us just a little different.




This house is about half a mile from us...

Signs

The Five Man Electrical Band

Joey

Once again I call on my prayer-warrior friends for little Joey. He's back in the hospital unable to keep feedings down. I was so sick when I was sick (ages 16-18) that I have watched my own son like a hawk for any signs of gut problems. Thankfully, none have surfaced. It was honestly a bit of shock to hear that Joey was facing gastro surgery. I really felt if it was going to be passed along, it would be to Gregory. But, like me, Joey has IBD on both sides of his family. None of this is bigger than God, and He can make the nerves grow in Joey's intestines just as easily now as when he was in-utero. I know He has a bigger purpose for this, whatever the outcome. He will carry us through.

Church...

I wish I'd have had my camera at church last weekend. We have about 30 minutes of great jump-up-and-down worship before bible study. It's a very active crowd, and it's often the most excercise I get all week :) . Anyhoo, I spotted a scene right up front that I wish I'd have been able to photograph. Right in the front row I see two hands in the air in worship. One man had his left hand in the air. His long sleeved light blue oxford was freshly pressed. Immidiately to his left stood a man with his right hand in the air. His roughly tanned arm was covered in tatoos. To see those two arms, the oxford and the tatoos, raised in worship beside each other summed up what I loved about my church so well. All are welcome. It is a no snob zone.

video games

Yeah, I think we've all gotten stuck at video games for a time. We've been
told forever that they are evil. Fom money suckers to time wasters to brain
rotters. Be ye not afraid!! I have to giggle because I fought it for so
long. Problem was, the more I fought it, the more it became a holy grail to
my son (almost 9yo). When I realized that and began to let go, I began to
see all of the learning going on. Yes it took time. Yes he did little else
for quite a while. Yes I often had moments of panic. But we have reached a
balance. He loves his games. But unlike some of his friends who are limited
in their game play, he can walk away from it. It seems many of them can only
play in the car and away from home. So at park day there'll be a bunch of
kids all playing their hand held games (many are interacting with each
other) and Gregory's the only one who doesn't bring his to the park. In fact
he's only taken his out of the house twice. Both times at my urging because
we were going to be driving for quite some time. One trip he played for a
while. The other he never took it out.

What's he learning? Well, there's quite a bit of reading going on. Games
have *cheat codes* and *unlockables* that can be found online or in gaming
magazines. There are online forums for game users to share experience and
advice. He's doing a lot of research. He's also budgeting. He uses some of
his allowance to pay for an online game rental plan similar to netflix (
www.gamefly.com ). He saves the balance, usually to buy games. He's traded
old games at a local gaming store for store credit - he's saving for an
x-box or a wii. He even ebayed himself a gamecube system for $38! In the
games themselves, there are objectives to be met, widgets to be found, bad
guys to be subdued, allies to appease, etc, etc. There's usually quite a bit
going on at once. Allowing myself to enter his world for a while has been
wonderful. I'm learning about what he's interested in, I'm not putting down
his interest, and that keeps him talking to me about the games and other
things. It's been good for our relationship.

We are all big movie fans. There's something in DH & DS's blood that makes
them remember the smallest of details after seeing a movie once. It's
amazing to watch :) . Anyway, DS loves to get a new DVD and watch all of the
bonus material first. Talk about learning! He likes to watch it in a foreign
language and will often watch it subtitled in another language. He loves the
backstories from the commentary versions.

I'm having trouble getting to the details in my memory, but there's learning
oozing all of the place. You just can't stop it once you get out of their
way. It's a true leap of faith to let go of the notion of needing to control
our children. But our control is an illusion. God is in control. We just
have to let Him do His thing.

a dream

This was a few weeks ago. I only remember a few seconds. I was in the back seat of a car w/my parents in the front seat. We were stopped at an intersection near my (now) best friend's home. I remember hearing and feeling a deep boom. I looked out of the window and in the distance I saw a plume of smoke. At first it was not a mushroom cloud, but my thoughts were "it's a mushroom cloud," and then it became one. A general sence of panic was suddenly all around. My mother was screaming. I remember thinking, "Okay, my God is still in control." I kept thinking it and then I realized I was saying it outloud, louder and louder. My mother turned around and cried, "we could die!" and I replied, "If we die, we go to heaven" in a sort of what-are-you-worried-about manner. Then I woke up. It felt so empowering that my first thoughts were not of panic but of God's control.