Forgiveness

So, baggage. I don't know about you, but I recently found out I was carrying much more baggage than I thought I was. It's time to put it down.

I have memories of specific incidents that were still causing me pain. The ones I was having the most trouble with were times when I know the hurt was not intended. And somehow I had myself convinced that since there was no ill-intent, there was nothing to forgive. I went as far as believing that if I "forgave" them, I was saying what they did was wrong, and they just didn't mean it. It finally clicked that since forgiveness is for my healing, their intention didn't really matter. I still have to forgive and let go to be healed.

One small example I recall: I was about 8 years old. My parents and I were downtown and walking toward the City Hall building. I asked why we were there and my dad turned around and snapped "To put you up for adoption." He didn't intend to crush me, but he did. He "just" wanted me to shut up (that's another post). And I knew he wasn't serious, but it hurt to the core none-the-less. Thirty-six years later, I still remember it in great detail. And I have to forgive this and other incidents if I want to go forward. I have to forgive every time it comes to my mind.

There are some incidents where harm was intentional, but those do not involve my parents. The perpetrators are no longer in my life, but they still invade my spirit. When they do, I rehash the incidents and I stand up for myself. That sounds like it would be healthy and helpful, but it really isn't. I'm still giving energy to the hurt, and sometimes I actually get more angry and hurt by reliving things that all happened over 20 years ago. I have to forgive each person each time it comes up.

Then comes forgiving myself. Believe it or not, I have to forgive myself for the times I was hurt by others - because all along I believed I was in some way responsible for allowing them to hurt me.

Then there was the biggie. The one thing I regret with all of my heart. If I could go back and have just one do-over... I can't even think about it without crying. I regret that when my son was born I was not strong enough to demand he not be circumcised. (And please, if you circ'ed your sons and have no problem with your decision, don't condemn me for my feelings) I didn't want to do it, but I allowed those around me to convince me it was okay. Yes, he's "okay" now, he even knows he's circumcised, but there's no way of knowing what altering his body on his second day of life changed about him. It's his body and the choice should have been his. And he had complications too. Out of respect for his privacy I won't go into it, but when it happened the doctors and nurses all said it was not uncommon and it was a result of being circumcised as though we should have known.

I'm part of a women's group at church and we've been focusing on forgiveness the past 2 weeks. I've learned more and let go of more in this time than at any other point of my life. I am being Healed and it feels really great!