Blahh...

The funk I am in is trying to stay, and I am trying to shake it. I don't really know how though. Maybe writing my thoughts will help. Maybe not.

My thoughts lately have been mostly of the suffering of those around me. The forethought I carry with me now is that of my friend Lisa, whose daughter Vivian drowned 3.5 months ago. She's keeping an online journal of the family's experience. It can be hard to read and yet encouraging at the same time. She can't see it now, but Lisa is helping so many people by sharing her walk.

Seeing Greg in pain again has been a challenge. It breaks my heart to think of all he's been through, and that he's likely to need another surgery in the not-too-distant future. His pain is nowhere as bad as it was, but knowing how bad it can get is frustrating.

Another biggie is my cousin Brandy. She's 30 years old, has a 3yo son, and just celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary. And she's been dealing with brain cancer since last November. It's very aggressive and the aggressive treatment she's getting is barely keeping the growth at bay. Five years ago, we lost our cousin Geri to breast cancer at the age of 34. So the whole family is scared, but trying not to go there. It bothers me that I'll go a few days without thinking about her. I don't get updates everyday and days do go by without me thinking of her. Maybe that's my own form of denial. I really believed Geri would win her battle, and I am believing the same thing for Brandy. But doubt is an evil thing. Lies like if I don't pray for her she won't be healed. I don't think God needs me to pray to heal Brandy. I am very aware of His ability to heal her. At the same time, I am aware that it may not be in His will that she survive this physical battle.

I've never believed God needed me to pray for something to happen - never believed that x number of prayers cancels out x number of wrongs. I am beginning to see that prayer opens me up to see or understand (in some small way) His will. My prayers don't change God's plan, they just help me see and accept His plan. It opens up an opportunity for my relationship with God to grow in whatever experience I am having.

I feel a season of deep thought coming on. Big changes are coming for me & mine.

A good doctor

I'll do just about anything to keep from seeing an allopathic doctor. I had a lifetime of mostly bad experience with specialists and surgeons while a teenager. But since the age of 17, I've suffered from depression and anxiety. Most of that time I have been on meds. Most of that time I did not really like my doctors. At best I felt they were just guessing and at worst they were idiots. Part of the disease is the aversion to taking the meds. As a Christian, from time to time I question myself. If I truly gave this up to God, if my faith were just stronger, I'd be healed.

About 12 years ago Greg & I began seeing a GP that we both really like. He remembers from visit to visit who we are and that we are a family. About 3 years ago, I'd really had it with seeing psychiatrists who always seemed to prescribe the drug whose logo graced his coffee cup and note pad. They didn't listen. So I went to my GP with my baggage. He did listen, and after talking for quite a while we came to the conclusion that I was indeed mildly bipolar. With a bit of trial and error we've found meds that do help me. I discovered quite a while back that he is a Christian. My ring tone was a Newsboys song, and my phone rang while I was in his office. He commented that he really liked that song. We talked a little about that and he asked where I go to church. Since then, when I go for my med checks he'll ask me if I'm still making it to church and little things like that. Well I went to see him yesterday because I've been having panic attacks. We talked about what's been going on around me - stuff like my sisters not speaking to each other and Joey's illness. I told him I've been feeling like I'm failing those who need me. I told him I felt like if I just believed enough, I'd be healed. He said any feeling of guilt or condemnation is an attack straight out of the pit of hell and to recognize it as such and talk back to it. He recommended staying active with my church and keeping in contact with a Christian support system. I told him about my CCU sisters :). He even said, "It's very important to stay in the Word."

How blessed am I??

Worried about Gregory

Gregory has been very depressed for several days. He's very down on himself (calling himself a dummy, idiot, stupid, etc) and makes scary statements about not wanting to be alive. He hits himself a lot and has hit another child (whose mother implied G was a bully!). This sort of behavior is what led to our discovery of his red dye sensitivity. I know he's had way too much sugar lately, and I've taken him off of it as of yesterday morning. He was miserable not having any sweets yesterday, but I'm not caving. I've explained to him that I believe he feels so bad because of the sugar, and I'm going to help him to feel better. He's not asked for any candy yet today. (any homeopathic remedies that'd help him detox?)

Add to the scenario the fact that none of us know how to handle a puppy (much less a 3 month old 20+ pound puppy!). We've all become "yellers" in the past few weeks. Yesterday we enrolled Bullitt (DH corrected my spelling of his name, LOL!) in puppy school, which will begin in 3 weeks. So the yelling has stopped. Since I know it'll be better soon, I don't have to worry about keeping him off the sofa forever, I just need to remind him to get down. I see a resolution coming, so I am not as stressed.

I'm also trying to get my hands on some books about bi-polar. I know my lousey mood is affecting him in a bad way. How can a kid be happy when he's always around an adult who isn't? At first, I felt researching bi-polar would give it a form of power. If I didn't speak about it, it didn't exist. But that hasn't been the case. I think I need some information to help see around the disease. I see signs of it in Gregory already and I want to be armed and ready, as it were.

So if you could pray for us as we journey down these roads of change, I'd appreciate it greatly.

A bad patient...

I let myself run out of medication, and I am depressed and angry. I've gotten my prescrip refilled, but it'll take a few days to get back to "normal". The noises in my head are so loud. I'm careful about saying "voices", because I do not hear "voices" telling me to do things, but my own thoughts are so random and scattered and plentiful. I couldn't sleep til after 3 this morning. I am just overwhelmed. And it takes everything I have to not cry - at everything. It's hard to pray when I'm like this because I can't think in a straight line. It's also hard to get anything done, because everything is a mountain. Then after a day or so of doing nothing this place really is a mountain. I hate feeling this way. Everyone deserves better.