Blahh...

The funk I am in is trying to stay, and I am trying to shake it. I don't really know how though. Maybe writing my thoughts will help. Maybe not.

My thoughts lately have been mostly of the suffering of those around me. The forethought I carry with me now is that of my friend Lisa, whose daughter Vivian drowned 3.5 months ago. She's keeping an online journal of the family's experience. It can be hard to read and yet encouraging at the same time. She can't see it now, but Lisa is helping so many people by sharing her walk.

Seeing Greg in pain again has been a challenge. It breaks my heart to think of all he's been through, and that he's likely to need another surgery in the not-too-distant future. His pain is nowhere as bad as it was, but knowing how bad it can get is frustrating.

Another biggie is my cousin Brandy. She's 30 years old, has a 3yo son, and just celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary. And she's been dealing with brain cancer since last November. It's very aggressive and the aggressive treatment she's getting is barely keeping the growth at bay. Five years ago, we lost our cousin Geri to breast cancer at the age of 34. So the whole family is scared, but trying not to go there. It bothers me that I'll go a few days without thinking about her. I don't get updates everyday and days do go by without me thinking of her. Maybe that's my own form of denial. I really believed Geri would win her battle, and I am believing the same thing for Brandy. But doubt is an evil thing. Lies like if I don't pray for her she won't be healed. I don't think God needs me to pray to heal Brandy. I am very aware of His ability to heal her. At the same time, I am aware that it may not be in His will that she survive this physical battle.

I've never believed God needed me to pray for something to happen - never believed that x number of prayers cancels out x number of wrongs. I am beginning to see that prayer opens me up to see or understand (in some small way) His will. My prayers don't change God's plan, they just help me see and accept His plan. It opens up an opportunity for my relationship with God to grow in whatever experience I am having.

I feel a season of deep thought coming on. Big changes are coming for me & mine.