Tuesday

Today is my Love's birthday. So sweet of him to stay older than me. Today is an unusual birthday for him. There's no generator running, there's no storm hovering in the gulf, it's not even hot outside. It's now been a year since he hurt his back.

I'm finding it hard to break out of our summer *sit in*. We weren't protesting anything (other than the heat) we just stayed home. Now we have the chance to start getting out again and I'm finding it hard. I always enjoy the outings and I never regret going, but the *going* part is really hard. It's challenging because G's just as much an introvert as I am. He always enjoys getting out too, but drags his feet about going. I don't make him go, but I do present a good case and he usually agrees. Right now we need to go see my parents. That's an hour west. My dad had surgery last week, and he has rebuilt our old computer for G. We also have the chance to go to the aquarium in N.O. That's an hour east. I can't see us doing both in one week. But we need to do one. And we need to decide. My mom will be calling soon with the guilt inducing "when are ya'll coming?" Like the roads don't go both ways. I just hate driving so much.

My brains are feeling very scrambled these days. Some of it's hormonal I know, but I could really do without the constant anxiety attacks. Like I told a friend, I feel like I am okay, but so many around me are suffering so much. My friend Lisa whose baby girl died 3 months ago; Greg with his back; My friend Brandie and her ongoing financial battles; My cousin Brandy (30) fighting brain cancer - very aggressive and just barely being held at bay with chemo; My sisters and their ongoing fight with each other; Both my dad and FIL feeling terrible lately, but getting no results from numerous medical tests. And last week marked 10 years since my MIL and godmother died, followed the next day by the 5th anniversary of my cousin Geri's death. She had breast cancer and was 34.

There's something eerie about the shadows outside today. The sky is bright blue, but the shadows look like it's stormy. I'm not explaining it well. It's just weird.

I hope this day gets better. My gut aches.