Not much of a rambler...

It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's that I have too much to say, my brain can't stop and my thoughts are random and bizarre. I've felt a bit like one of those bop'em blow up toys - you know with the sand in the bottom so they always right themselves. Anyway, I've been pushed and pulled in a lot of directions lately.

My uveitis is almost constant now, so my immune system is out of whack. My feet and ankles are becoming arthritic, also courtesy of Crohn's disease. Oh, it could be so much worse, but it still sucks when your body just seems to betray you again and again.

Which brings me to the infertility sucks part of the post. I know with ever bit of my being that God did not put such a huge desire on my heart to not bring it to fruition in His perfect timing. And I KNOW that His timing is perfect, for I have seen it. There's a fast-approaching-ten-year-old miracle sleeping in the other room to remind me of it everyday. But, why, oh why must the waiting hurt so much? There are so many beautiful children in my life and they are each a blessing to me, but arms feel so empty.

I miss my husband. Oh, he's here, but work has really been overwhelming him lately. A few people have been fired recently for really no reason. It's not likely he'd be one to be let go as he's one of only two engineers at the firm, and they are very busy. But that's just a sucky atmosphere to be in. And I know he's had his mom on his heart lately. She passed away almost 9 years ago, and it's like yesterday sometimes. I can still feel her hugs, see her smile, hear her laugh. I see his pain, and I know what it'll take to heal that pain, or at least begin the process. His God shaped hole isn't full. I don't think it's quite empty, he has no problem with me being a live out loud Christian, but he's still at that "I need to take care of my own problems" place. He still sees need as a weakness in himself. Every now and then I ask him if he'd like to come to church with me, I pray for the day he says yes. I ask mostly because I don't want him to think I'm a snob about it, that he's not welcome. He's been a few times and he liked it. With anything I want to *teach* I model it. I do my best to walk the walk. As someone else has said, I may be the only example he sees, and I do my best to represent my faith and my Lord well. Of course, I fall short constantly, but I always try to set my eyes where they need to be.

I know many of my unschooling friends are also unchurchers. I was too for a long time, and see no problem with it. But God put me in an incredible church about 5 years ago as a guest and then again about 3 years ago on a regular basis. Healing Place Church, a healing place for a hurting world. And it really is. The pastor is great, he never takes the credit for anything, he never calls it *his* church, it always all goes right back to Jesus. I pray for him that he'll stay in tune with how God wants this church to move forward. I don't follow Dino Rizzo, I follow Jesus. Dino just helps expand my understanding. This church has been a true blessing to me and to us as a family.

So then we go to New Orleans for a dinner at a condo downtown and Greg and I both fall in love with the city all over again. This isn't the suburbs where we grew up, this is the heart of the city, an old warehouse converted into apartments. The smell, oh my goodness, the wonderful culinary aromas would just envelope us. And there's a potential job opportunity, a big income increase. So much to think about. We've lived in our house in a small town with our 1/3-acre lot for 16 years. I love all of my trees, my plants, and my pets. This is the only home Gregory has ever known. So much to pray about. I can tell you that I'd stay with Healing Place even if we do move. God really is doing amazing things there. I've decided that I will not worry about it, not even really think about it. If it's God's will that we return, it will all fall into place. If it's not, it won't. Of that I am sure and take comfort.

I am concerned about our nation now, our freedoms that are disappearing one by one in the name of public safety. We aren't fighting a war on terror. The terrorists won on Sept. 11, 2001. Our nation changed severely and quickly. We are now making policies and decisions out of fear, and that never leads to good decisions. I respect the men and women who sign their lives over to protect us, but I don't think that is what our government is using them for now. They are protecting our oil interests, not our lives. Were conditions in Iraq horrible before we got there? Yes. But people are treated horribly by governments in other non-oil producing nations, and we do nothing about it. We need the people of this nation to educate themselves and seriously consider doing what it takes for them to write in Ron Paul as their presidential candidate of choice. It's not about "can he win"; it's about not settling for the lesser of two evils anymore.

And through it all, unschooling frees us up to "be still" and just see what His plans are for us. Every moment of every day is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to move forward. I pray I never miss any of them.

Ha! I guess I can ramble after all.